Be Wild and Free

One evening this week I found myself scrubbing the kitchen floor after dinner with my phone shut off so I could disconnect for awhile. With no worries over the time I realized that I've come to being used to not watching the clock for 4:45pm to roll around waiting for your phone call after work. I realized I no longer worry about dinner being on the table before 5pm. I no longer wait for that back door to squeak open at 5:15pm. I no longer wait for the squeals of "DADDY!" when you walk through that door. When did I become so used to this life? When dinner is on the table at 5pm and instead of waiting for you to walk through that door before we eat, we just eat. When having my phone shut off for a few hours of disconnect at the prime time of when you would be calling after work is no big deal because I've become accustomed to no longer receiving that after work phone call. When I no longer watch the clock and count the minutes to when you'd be h...

10 years ago today there were straw bales surrounding a big bonfire out in the middle of a harvested corn field. 10 years ago today there were trucks covered in mud each with a mud covered 4-wheeler in the bed. 10 years ago today, you held my hand for the first time "in public" sitting on a straw bale.  10 years ago today, we became, as you liked to say, "a unit." Back then everything was "a unit." That phrase seems like such a distant memory these days that I almost forget it used to be your signature phrase.  January 2006, a freshly 17-year-old girl met a freshly 21-year-old boy at the ole Love Farm for the first time. Little did we know that fate was about to happen and we would spend the rest of your life together. Who would have thought that a random phone call from a mutual friend to come to a party would begin the journey of "Ben & Brandy."  For a few months we talked on the phone, met up at the weekend ...

Here we are, another April. What used to be my absolute favorite month of the entire year has now become a month of dread. So many anniversaries, a birthday, so many memories of good times passed and so many hopes for the future that are now gone.  April used to mark a new year of "us" and make us reminisce on the last year that had passed. April also meant another year of being together (April 8th; 10 years), another year since I said "yes" (April 10th; 6 years) and another year of blissful marriage (April 16th; 5 years). Last April began the life earthside for our sweet Baby Buck (April 30th) and this April marks 6 entire months (April 15th) since my beautiful husband took his last earthly breath and took his first heavenly breath.  It's hard for me to put this in writing. Most of the time the words just flow from my head, down my arms and straight out of my fingertips with very little effort. But tonight? I'm just at a loss f...

I hear it is World Doula Week so of course I am going to take a moment and brag on my Doula!  Jenni was absolutely a God-send for Barrett's pregnancy and birth journey! After several frustrating OBGYN visits she never faltered in telling me "it's never too late to make your homebirth dreams come true!" and at 30 weeks, that's just what we did!  During my 22 hour labor, she helped me in so many ways. Talking over the phone during contractions, encouraging me over text and then my first birth team member to arrive when I said "I need you now, contractions are 3-5 minutes apart... Not 10 minutes like I thought!"  With essential oils providing calming aroma's, peaceful music to fill the air, a gentle touch to help distract through the intense contractions and a relaxed voice to encourage me. Jenni provided that much-needed atmosphere to keep adrenaline at bay and keep the peace heightened. Even through a hose mishap i...

Just at a loss for words tonight. 5 months after my beautiful husband passed away, my grandpa was called home.  Tonight; tonight the emotions run high as I sit here replaying the emotions and my reaction after learning of my husband's demise because he can't be here to comfort me in this time of sadness.  My grandpa was my rock growing up. The one who instilled the love and confidence of horses in me. The one who let me "buy" my first horse by giving my grandma a dollar, asking me if I wanted Flame to be mine and instructing me to give the dollar to my grandma. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday...  Grandpa was the one who schooled me on the hay we fed, grain we fed, saddle parts, horse parts, you name it; he was the walking quiz giver.  Grandpa taught me chin up, heels down and smile. "Act like you're having fun, Bird Legs. Riding horses is supposed to be a pleasure." All those nights spent f...

As I look at the calendar and the 15th is showing, another month has gone by without you. I realize how much I've regressed into disbelief over the last couple of weeks.  Sitting outside, here on the swing as we always loved to do, visions of you walking down the drive to get the mail, or your "Hi Buddy!" greeting when you walked through the door, or your "Good job, Sissy!" whenever Bailey did something cool at some point in the day and I finally got to tell you about it when you arrived home for the day after work; those visions go cascading through my mind. Missing you feels like drowning. It hurts physically, not just emotionally. The realization that time is going by just as fast with you gone, if not faster, as it did with you here.  I know I speak for a few when I say there is a love-hate relationship with time flying. The hate part is I'm getting farther and farther away from the last time I saw your face, kissed t...