The Life of a Widow: A Decade Together

10 years ago today there were straw bales surrounding a big bonfire out in the middle of a harvested corn field. 10 years ago today there were trucks covered in mud each with a mud covered 4-wheeler in the bed. 10 years ago today, you held my hand for the first time "in public" sitting on a straw bale. 

10 years ago today, we became, as you liked to say, "a unit." Back then everything was "a unit." That phrase seems like such a distant memory these days that I almost forget it used to be your signature phrase. 

January 2006, a freshly 17-year-old girl met a freshly 21-year-old boy at the ole Love Farm for the first time. Little did we know that fate was about to happen and we would spend the rest of your life together. Who would have thought that a random phone call from a mutual friend to come to a party would begin the journey of "Ben & Brandy." 

For a few months we talked on the phone, met up at the weekend parties, you would come over to my house after work and be there until my grandma kicked you out because, "Brandy, it's a school night. Get to bed." There were long "see you later's" out at your blue F-250 parked in my driveway and watching you pull out until I couldn't see you anymore. Then, going to bed wondering where all this was going when you're only 17 and he's 21. 

That night out in the corn field surrounded by trucks, 4-wheelers and a big bonfire. You grabbed my hand. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach from the night. Going home that night I wondered "are we a thing? Is he my boyfriend?" Ohhhhhh the innocence of a 17-year-old girl. That week I remember having my cousin answer your phone call after work and ask, "is this Brandy's boyfriend?" just so I could know for sure... Your answer without hesitation, "yes!" 

Looking back on the past 10 years and I'm still in complete shock how everything worked out. How a 17-year-old immature girl could meet, fall madly in love and build a life with a 21-year-old boy. There were rocky times and rock solid times. A 3 month break-up in 2008 that did nothing but strengthen our relationship. A house in 2009. A baby and engagement in 2010. A wedding in 2011. A loss of a baby in 2012. The birth of a rainbow baby in 2013. A homebirth of our 3rd beautiful child and ultimately, your unexpected death that we never truly saw coming, in 2015. 

10 years ago I would have never thought we would be here today. 10 years ago I thought you were just another guy and our relationship wouldn't last. How could a 21-year-old guy with his shit together fall in love with an immature, horse crazy 17-year-old and want to spend the rest of his life with her?

But it happened and I'm so lucky; I'm forever grateful.

10 years ago, April 8, 2006, our story began and what a beautiful story it was.

As I sit here and reflect on everything over the last 10 years, I can't help but feel incredibly lucky. But, in the same breath, I feel cheated. As our youngest child begins to walk just 2 days before we would celebrate our 10th anniversary together, these little moments of joy are overshadowed with grief. As I clap for our Baby Buck learning how to walk I can't help but fight back the tears wishing you were physically here to see it. Wishing I could see your face light up with happiness while cheering him on. Hearing your voice say, "good job, Bubba!" and watching our Baby Buck's face light up with his knockout smile. I'm more sad for our young children having to grow up without their wonderful daddy than I am for me. I was given nearly 10 years, they were not given near enough time with their daddy...

These "dates on a calendar" are proving tougher than I prepared for. I knew April would be tough but I didn't realize that these moments brought out to bring a smile to my face would simultaneously make me fight back the tears.

I can't help but wonder what life would be like if you were still here. What would we be doing to celebrate the month of April with all our anniversaries? We had so many ideas for our 5 year wedding anniversary. Things we wanted to do but they're things we can't do at all because you're not here with us. Would we be enjoying our new home? What would life look like? But, being the person I am I remind myself that there's a plan and God will bring about blessings I would have never imagined possible. There will be good brought about due to this loss. But, in the meantime, we ride the waves the best we can keeping our heads above water every step of the way trying our best to trust in the plan. 

Happy 10th anniversary, babe. I'm so lucky to have built this life with you. I'm so lucky to have shared the love we shared that many go a lifetime without experiencing. I may have only gotten a short blip of time, but I'll forever be grateful for the time I got and I'll continue to cherish that time and use it to keep you alive in my heart and the hearts of our children; your legacy. 

Until next time, friends