The Life of a Widow: Please Forgive Me

Here we are, another April. What used to be my absolute favorite month of the entire year has now become a month of dread. So many anniversaries, a birthday, so many memories of good times passed and so many hopes for the future that are now gone. 

April used to mark a new year of "us" and make us reminisce on the last year that had passed. April also meant another year of being together (April 8th; 10 years), another year since I said "yes" (April 10th; 6 years) and another year of blissful marriage (April 16th; 5 years). Last April began the life earthside for our sweet Baby Buck (April 30th) and this April marks 6 entire months (April 15th) since my beautiful husband took his last earthly breath and took his first heavenly breath. 

It's hard for me to put this in writing. Most of the time the words just flow from my head, down my arms and straight out of my fingertips with very little effort. But tonight? I'm just at a loss for the right words and the eloquence to adequately express what I'm feeling in this very moment. 

Part of me wishes I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up on May 1st, completely skipping the month of April all together. But that's not possible and it doesn't help the grieving process in the slightest. 

So for the month of April if you see me distant, quiet, disconnected, with tearful eyes and a heavy heart, please forgive me. This is another wave that will probably hit the hardest and stick around the longest since the early days of this widowhood journey. Another step among the year of firsts in this first year without my Ben. 

I am doing the best I can and will continue doing so. But sometimes you can only appear strong for so long before you need to break. This may be my month to break and I ask for grace, forgiveness and kindness as I learn how to navigate these significant dates the best I can. 

Until next time, friends