Cowgirls Don't Cry

Just at a loss for words tonight. 5 months after my beautiful husband passed away, my grandpa was called home. 

Tonight; tonight the emotions run high as I sit here replaying the emotions and my reaction after learning of my husband's demise because he can't be here to comfort me in this time of sadness. 

My grandpa was my rock growing up. The one who instilled the love and confidence of horses in me. The one who let me "buy" my first horse by giving my grandma a dollar, asking me if I wanted Flame to be mine and instructing me to give the dollar to my grandma. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday... 

Grandpa was the one who schooled me on the hay we fed, grain we fed, saddle parts, horse parts, you name it; he was the walking quiz giver. 

Grandpa taught me chin up, heels down and smile. "Act like you're having fun, Bird Legs. Riding horses is supposed to be a pleasure." All those nights spent feeding and watering horses then tacking up for my nightly lesson. All the "br... Bra... Brooooock! Your chicken wing is showing!" to remind me to keep my elbows in. 

My grandpa made quite the impact on my life even though we didn't always see eye-to-eye and we argued a lot. Sometimes I thought he was completely full of crap and didn't possibly know what he was talking about... But isn't that how a lot of parent-child relationships go?

Tonight, as memories flood my mind and tears fill my eyes, I go back to the scene in Secretariat where Penny is walking down the hall to her dad's office after her mom passed away; and as she walks, little snippets of her childhood growing up on the thoroughbred farm with her daddy replay through her mind. Except it's memories of my childhood growing up on the farm with my grandpa. 

My grandpa hasn't been himself in quite a few years. His brain injuries from a car wreck many, many years ago had really caught up with him... I've mourned the grandpa I grew up with for a few years now but, I still had him. I could still look him in the eyes and see the grandpa I cherished so much growing up. 

He was the grandpa he didn't have to be. 

I miss him so much already. I know he will still be with me at every horse show, every ride, every step of the way. I will continue to hear his voice each time I swing a leg over a horse, "Now Bird Legs, you gotta ride him every step of the way. Put some more leg on him and drive him forward. Keep his head ahead of the vertical and his shoulder lifted. Don't let him get lazy now. Nice deep hock and flat knee. There ya go, Bird Legs. Just like that. That was a good ride." 

I'll continue to hear his voice every time I leave the show ring without a placing, "But did you have a good ride? Because that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what the judge thinks, it's what you think. You're out there to have fun." 

So much loss in the last 7 years. So many tears, so many people so close to my heart. 

Tonight as I drove home after Bible Study, I saw a heart in the clouds... My sign from Ben that he's with me and my sign from Grandpa Cowboy that he's happy and restored to health again, home with the Lord. 

I knew this day was coming sooner rather than later, but just 5 short months after the loss of a lifetime is proving much  more difficult as I no longer have my best friend to lean on tonight. 

Until next time, friends