7 Years a Widow

As I walk down memory lane this morning, in the quietness of my still-asleep home... the tears sneak up in the corner of my eyes as memories flood me from so many years ago. 

Pictures have always been near and dear to my heart. Yes, sometimes a scent or a song or a noise triggers a memory from long ago. But nothing triggers my memory quite like a photo. A picture can take me right back to that day. I can feel it, I can smell it, I can hear it, I can sense the emotions all over again. Perhaps that's why I'm so adamant about taking all the pictures I possibly can. 

Today it hits a little differently. Life is so good today. As I walk down memory lane this morning, reminiscing on all the years we had with Ben. Looking back at all the pictures of how its our three kids. But it hits differently this year as I hold my brand new, 8 and a half month old baby boy. A sweet little baby that never would have been had my life not taken that drastic turn 7 years ago today. 

Some days I wonder what life would look like had death not swallowed up our family. I wonder what house we'd live in... I wonder if we would even be living in Michigan still or would we have moved to another state... I wonder how many more kids would we have gone on to have together... I wonder if I would be further along in my birth work career... Or, would I have chosen a different career. I wonder how different our foster care journey would've looked like... I wonder if I would've started homeschooling sooner or would I have homeschooled at all... I wonder so many things. 

7 years ago the kids were 5 years, 2 years and 5 months.
Today they are 12 years, 9 years and 7 years.

But there's also two more kiddos after them. And a new husband. And a new home. There's a whole new life today. A life I'm so incredibly grateful for. A life I prayed for in the desperate hours after such an unimaginable loss. If God was going to take the backbone to our family away... surely He had plans for us?!

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So here's some words for today... A small piece of insight... 

The problem is… you think you have time.

7 years ago today, life shattered in the blink of an eye. My entire world came crashing down around me and no one could fix it, no one could change it.

7 years later, I look back on that day and I can still feel the heaviness that the air had. The weirdness of the day. Like something was about to change, but I couldn’t figure out what. I can still feel the way the crisp air rustled through the drying leaves.

No matter how far forward life moves, there will always be those moments that the wind rustles the leaves just right. The sun lays light on the ground in a certain way. The cool fall air fills your lungs, kisses your face and you’re taken right back to those moments of emptiness, loss, devastation and unimaginable pain.
7 years later, the grief is different. It’s still there, it always will be. But it’s different. I’m thankful for the lessons we’ve learned and the growth we’ve experienced. I’m thankful for the life we live today and I honor the life we lived before. We continue living because Ben was denied that life.

If there is one thing I’ve learned, friends. One small piece of advice I can pass on… it’s this:
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You never know how much time you have left. One day you can be here and the next... you’re gone. Leaving everyone you love with just their memories and pictures.
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Use your time wisely. Travel. Love others fiercely. Make those memories. Take the dang picture. GET IN THE DANG PICTURE. Take care of your health. Use your time wisely. You may think you have years and years and years; but what if you don’t?

Don’t get caught in the trap of making as much money as you possibly can to the point where you say no to pretty much anything in life that isn’t “income producing.” Friends… all that money ain’t going to mean a dang thing when you’re gone. LIVE. YOUR. DANG. LIFE. NOW. You may not have tomorrow.
Leave your family with incredible memories and enrichment. Laugh and smile with them. Soak up those tiny moments every chance you can.

Because you never know when one day you’ll wake up as a wife and a mother of three but you go to bed that night a widow and solo mother of 3.

We chose to get better, we chose to continue living… because had we chose the opposite, it would’ve been unfair to you because you were denied that life. We chose to push forward, making our healing a priority in order to honor the life you lived and honor the time denied to you.

Luke 12:27

Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

I included this picture of me wearing my new littlest love for a few reasons. 

1. Consider how these wildflowers grow, they don't worry about having what they need or what may come their way. Do not worry, friend. You are taken care of. 

2. My new littlest love who would have never came to be. He is another reminder of how God can bring so much beauty from the ashes. 

2. My beloved Ethos Solace Vesper woven wrap. I bought this wrap in 2015 to remember my sweet Baby July, whom I lost at 7 weeks in-utero in July 2012. He is at home with the Lord and his daddy Ben. This wrap was created out of inspiration in remembrance of losses that specifically effect the family. "From angel babies, to angel grandparents, angel daddies to angel mommies, we carry you with us: always."