Hi God. Are you there? Why can't I hear you anymore?

Have you ever felt "blocked" from hearing God? Have you found yourself wondering if you're hearing from Him? Have you wondered if He's forgotten about you? Have you found yourself questioning previous answers from God because you're not sure if you're hearing Him lately?

This post might be jumbled, so please forgive me. I have found myself in this weird creative energy flow this week and it's keeping me up at night... literally. I've poured myself a hot cup of Lavender Chamomile tea (my absolute FAV), I have some protein bars for sustenance, I'm cozied up in my bed with my Himalayan Salt Lamps as ambient lighting (get you some, here's what we bought... THIS and four of THESE for around the house!), my "labor playlist" playing through my AirPods and a precious little babe sleeping right next to me.

Anyways. After spending far too long looking for those links... Here I am. It's been five months since our fifth baby graced us Earthside. I'll share his birth story here in a later post. Since his birth, I have felt "cluttered" for lack of a better term. I have felt like I was unsure of my purpose outside of being a wife and a mom. Health Coaching (we have a lot to catch up on since I abandoned my blog so many years ago...) is going really well, but my birth work passion was set ablaze in a way I was never prepared for. 

During my pregnancy for Badrick, I was CERTAIN my intuition was right again and we were having a baby girl. I feel deep within my soul that there IS a baby girl waiting to join our family. She's missing... and I long to find her. I had leaned so close into God during my pregnancy with Badrick. At the 22 week anatomy scan, the tech noted that Badrick's placenta was "overlying previous c-section scar." But no measurements were taken... I leaned into God. I prayed so hard. I was led to scripture that brought so much peace into my soul that this situation was not actually a situation. If a placenta is truly growing INTO a c-section scar (Placenta Accreta, Increta, Percreta) then it truly IS a situation that often results in a hysterectomy. But I felt so deep within my soul that this would not be the case for us. We would not need a repeat c-section 11 years after my first c-section (and 2 VBACs since then) and we would not need to birth within the hospital. 

At 26 weeks, my prayers were answered! Our placenta was free and clear of my cervix AND my c-section scar. We were given good graces for our home birth and sent on our way. With every ultrasound, I just felt so strongly that I was looking at our precious baby girl. 

We had her name. I had scripture written down that I was led to. I prayed over her. I called her by her name. I told HER that it was time to come Earthside when I felt such a strong push to fully surrender to the birthing process. 

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this... actually, I know I'm not. I've been in conversation with many fellow birth workers who have had similar experiences. It's really interesting to me. We're all women of faith and we all share a similar story. But, I have met so many women who did not find out the sex of their baby during pregnancy and were surprised at the birth. The good majority of those women were wrong about who their baby was. On the surface, it seems as though they just shrugged it off and went on their merry way. 

Then, there's me. When my eyes glanced down at this precious, tiny six-pound infant in my arms, whom I've adored for nine months already and whom I swore was a girl the whole time, despite my efforts to envision this baby a boy... Was indeed a BOY. In our birth video, you can even hear me say, "I was wrong for the first time ever, it's a boy." Because I have been right with every baby before this one. So who was I to not trust my intuition? Who was I to not listen to the name that it felt like she had chosen? Who was I to not listen to the scripture that came to me in quiet moments of my days that were spoken over her life?

So, for me... this not being right about whom I was carrying for nine months was more than just an incorrect guess. It was a lesson God was teaching me. Some ribbons of that lesson I have gathered. A ribbon of humbleness. A ribbon of trusting in The Lord, even when I don't see what I think should be right in front of me. A ribbon of getting quiet with Him. 

The problem I'm having is questioning if I'm actually hearing from God or my own wishful thinking. Yes, I desire another daughter. Yes, I feel there is a little girl missing from our family. Yes, my heart cries out for her. Yes, I pray over her and the day she graces my womb and graces my arms. But NO, I do not love this little boy any less. I could not imagine my life without him. He was who was meant to come along in this time of our lives. I do not love him any less. 

I have been so caught up in trying to hear from God through all the clutter inside my head. Clutter from consuming social media. Clutter from looking at what everyone else is doing. Clutter from the noisiness within my own home because we have five kids running about. Clutter from being too worried about things that don't even matter... like a tidy house at the end of the day or laundry ALWAYS being caught up. 

But, God did bring an amazing group of faith-filled women into my life as mentors. God did bring me words of affirmation and confirmation through them. 

I don't know what my purpose is... but perhaps it's because I'm right on top of my purpose and we have a harder time seeing what we're already immersed in. God has spoken to me through songs and He still does. But one piece I'm missing are the dreams. I miss the dreams. I mourn the dreams, almost. I'm still learning the pieces of the lesson God is trying to get through to me. 

God brought a new, albeit renewed, adventure to the table. Birth work. My passion for supporting women through fertility, pregnancy, birth and postpartum has never burned so bright. New AND improved. God has placed women into my corner to build me up, support me and tap me out of my comfort zone when I need it. God has also placed women in my path who trust me. As a doula, as a friend, as a wise woman, as a midwife assistant, as virtual support, as an encouraging word. Midwifery is what I'm being called to, but how that looks for what God has planned for my particular walk in midwifery looks different than what many others may normally see. 

Little by little I feel the outside noise quieting down. Little by little I'm walking with unwavering faith. Though my feet may fail, He has never failed me. I don't see the bigger picture because I'm so zoomed in to the individual pieces of the puzzle, but little by little I'm able to zoom out to begin seeing the whole picture and how these pieces will all fit together; all for His glory. 

I'm challenging the ways I used to do things. I'm challenging the ways I used to hear from God. He is showing me there are different paths to take and different avenues that He will speak to me. I'm relearning how to trust that it's Him again. 

I don't know if someone out there will stumble across this and think, "Hey, me too." Maybe no one will read this at all. But if you're out there, you're not alone. Maybe the whole lesson is to get a little quieter, to open your eyes a little wider, to open your heart to different ways and to begin to trust again.