Love, Hope, Friendship & Ele's Place: Our Journey to Healing

The loss of a loved one is never an easy journey to travel and no two losses are ever the same. In our case; he was a daddy, he was a husband. 

October 15, 2015 began just like any other day in the Sloan household. Except for the fact that the heart of our family was in the Wyoming Mountains with 9 of his cousins, uncles and/or family friends. They were enjoying day 6 of their hunting trip searching for the biggest Elk and/or Mule Deer they could find. 

To keep some normalcy in the house, I woke up at the same time Ben typically woke for work and I made a pot of coffee. I wasn't even much of a coffee drinker, but I was missing my husband so much after 6 days of not hugging or kissing him and after 3 days of not hearing his voice. I poured some coffee that morning and sat down at the computer to pay bills and finalize my meal plan list; just as I did every single Thursday morning before. I was excited because we had finally made the last payment on a credit card we had to charge to due to my crappy vehicle we bought just a year prior when I was freshly pregnant with our third sweet blessing. I couldn't wait to tell Ben that I sent in the very last payment that we, outside of our home and vehicles, we were debt free! 

I drove Bentley to school that morning with his brother and sister in tow. They expressed how much they missed their daddy and how badly they wanted to talk with him. With a very heavy heart, I held back the tears, kissed him goodbye and drove back home where my grandmother would meet me to care for my two youngest children while I worked a car seat event. 

The whole day was surreal. I felt like I was walking around in a haze; a dream. Nothing felt real. I was longing to hear his voice. We were counting down the days until his arrival back home. Every free moment I had I would look down at my phone to see if maybe, just maybe, he had called me. But, alas, no phone calls were received from my beloved husband. Every inch of me felt like something was wrong. But, I've battled anxiety and depression for as far back as I can remember, so I pushed my worry down and blamed it on my anxiety; and went along with my day. 

Our house business was all in order. The inspections had all gone through, our closing date was set for just under a month away, I was beginning to pack up odds and ends of things that I knew we wouldn't use between then and our closing date. Life was in order, our next five years were all planned out. We were buying our dream home, our third child was five and a half months old, I was taking a leap of faith and getting out of horses; the only constant thing in my entire life, I would be beginning a new career path come the summer of 2016 and we would be trying for our fourth and possibly final baby come the summer of 2017. Life was as perfect as I could ever imagine it. Life was better than I had ever dreamt it could be. 

I returned home that evening, the feeling of dread and gloom still consuming me. My grandmother and Bentley's teacher probably sick and tired of my constant texts throughout the day making sure all three of my babies were alive and well. Due to my overwhelming anxiety, I had forgotten to stop and make the house payment. Knowing if I waited until the next day we would acquire a late fee, so I loaded up all three kids, drove to the bank and decided on McDonald's for the night. 

I was fighting back the tears at every angle. Why hasn't he called? Why do I feel such overwhelming dread? Why does this day just feel so incredibly wrong? Yes, it was October 15th which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Although I always remembered our sweet Baby July on that day, it just wasn't the reason for my dread and sadness. But, pinpointing the real reason for my debilitating dread just wasn't possible.

After eating our McDonald's, bathing, teeth brushing and pajama time; the kids were off to bed and I joined them, nursing Barrett in the spare bed. Just as I was dozing off, a breathtaking fear came rushing over me. Someone was in my house. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I thought out every worse-case-scenario that could ever happen to my children and I. 

The door flew open and a familiar voice filled up the room. But this voice was cracked and startled. I almost didn't recognize it at first. It was the voice of Ben's mother. I felt like I was dreaming. It's nearly 8 o'clock in the evening on a Thursday. "Why are you here?" Wanting to be argumentative, I refused to come to the hallway at first. But she was stern and her voice was giving way to the tears. I finally made my way to the hallway and there he was, tears in his eyes, as white as a ghost. He didn't even have to say a word; I knew. 

That began our journey. Our journey of debilitating grief. Our journey of anger, sorrow, regret and denial. Those screams still haunt me to this very day. Not a day goes by that I walk through that hallway without a flashback to that night. I'm not sure I'll ever forget the events of that night, the trembling in my knees and the stabbing pain in my heart. 

My husband died. My children lost their daddy. Ages five, two and nearly six months old. Their dad was gone. The heart of our family was ripped away without a single warning; 1400 miles away in the Mountains of Wyoming. 

January 7th, 2016 began our journey with Ele's Place. A healing center for grieving children and teens. Our first night it was just Bentley and I as Bailey was not quite old enough to attend. I was a mess and I could see it in Bentley's eyes that he was having a rough time as well. But, for the first time since Ben's death, we didn't feel alone. 

Ele's Place held space for us to grieve, to remember, to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to regret; but they also rejoiced with us as we celebrated small triumphs each week. Ele's Place helped pick us up when we fell down. 

Our journey at Ele's Place saw us through twists and turns in our grief journey; never once judging us. I saw Bentley blossom and open up about his daddy more and more each week. In July of 2016 we ran the Ele's Race 5K in remembrance of our beloved Ben and all the others who have passed away. 

Ben certainly loved his 5K's and though I had never completed one when Ben was alive, I felt him running with me every step of the way that morning. 

In the fall of 2016, Miss Bailey was old enough to join Bentley and I at Ele's Place and though she was so young when her daddy passed away, she got to talk about him and even conjure up some memories she does have of him. Ele's Place has given my children a voice and confidence to talk about their daddy, recall memories and not be afraid to grieve him; to miss him. 

The past couple of months I have felt a strong urge from God that it was time to close the door at Ele's Place. A place that has allowed my family to grieve, to heal and to grow. But, closing a door is never an easy task and it's definitely not a task that goes without anxiety over your decision. I began questioning whether it was the right move or not and talking with the kids to get their emotions over it.

But, through prayer for clarity and opportunity, the answer we were seeking was given to us and now we are at peace and tranquility with our decision. After beginning our journey at Ele's Place on January 7th, 2016, it is now time for us to close our chapter here at Ele's and continue moving forward with our "after" life. 

This decision was not taken lightly and it doesn't go without emotions. I have grown to love Ele's Place and I hold a very special place in my heart for Ele's Place. My kids have healed so much in the past year after losing their daddy and I have come to such an incredible place of peace and acceptance since beginning our journey at Ele's Place. 

We are so beyond thankful for the amazing support that Ele's Place has provided for my children and myself; and that such a place exists for grieving children from all walks of life. We are also beyond thankful for the friendships that have formed and how our groups have helped us grow in our loss journey. 

Walking out of Ele's Place for, potentially, the very last time was nothing short of a bag of mixed emotions. The kids and I have walked this debris ridden path for 16 long months; picking up the pieces as we go. Ele's Place has done such a great deal of debris cleanup with us. Healing our hearts, aiding us to a place of peace and acceptance and allowing us to feel confidence in moving forward with continuing to live. 

Without Ele's Place, I fear for where we would be in our grief journey. Attending Ele's Place was one of the best decisions I could have made for my children and myself after experiencing the most heart-wrenching pain of losing our everyday. Losing the heart of our family. 

We will continue to support Ele's Place by getting involved as we can and running in the Ele's Race 5K. I encourage you all to support Ele's Place in any way that you possibly can so their doors can remain open for grieving families. 

Thank you, Ele's Place, for providing such a God-sent place to grieve, to heal and to grow. Thank you for always welcoming us with open arms each and every week and thank you for making sure we are aware that your doors are open to our family in the future if there's ever a need for us to return. 

Thank you for Love, Hope, Friendship & Ele's Place.