They Broke the Mold When They Made Me

I have fought and argued with this for damn near a year. A year. God put it on my heart to share the speech I wrote and read aloud for Ben's funeral on October 25, 2015. I was a new widow of 10 days... 10 whole days I had lived without my beloved husband. 
Countless times people asked me if I could truly find the strength to speak at his funeral but the only thing going through my mind was, how could I *not* speak at his funeral? Don't I owe him that much dignity and respect as his wife to share a small portion of what our life and our love was like? He provided our family with so much love, patience, respect; he was the heart of our family. 
It was my duty as his wife to find the strength to get up in front of everyone that day and sing my praises of the wonderful man I was so damned lucky to call my husband. 
I don't know why God has put this on my heart to share and perhaps I'll never know... But, I have decided it is time to stop fighting that voice and share it. 
Reading this 15 months after Ben's death is surreal. It makes me really realize how much I've healed, how much I've grown and how just how far we've come. For that, I'm grateful. Grab some tissues...

"The Life Celebration of Benjamin Robert SloanOctober 25, 2015Go Rest High on that MountainYou know how people say, “Oh, they have the perfect love! You look so happy!” but… deep down you think that they must have something behind closed doors that the world doesn’t see because two people just cannot be that disgustingly happy?
Well, we were. We did have the perfect love. The perfect team. From the day that I met Ben at that party on a cold January night shortly after his 21st birthday, I knew something was different with him. I just felt like we were destined to be together, forever. We had our differences, our annoyances, our bickerings and we even broke up for 3 months in 2008 and I swore I would never get back with him, ever. But we did and our love was rock solid from that moment on. Even during stressful times, sad times and the rough time through losing a baby… we were rock solid. There was never a single moment where leaving him or him leaving me, ever crossed my mind. We were perfect for each other in every single way. Behind closed doors, in public, at friends’ houses, in pictures, on FB, at the store, in the car, everywhere. We were happy. We truly had it all.
There were nights I would sit there and take a moment to just look at him and ask “are you sure you’re not mad at me for *something*? Anything? Do I annoy you? Do I upset you? Do we have any grievances?” His answer was always “No, of course not, why?” I would look him square in the eyes and say, “because two people cannot truly, honestly be *this* incredibly happy.”
We were a team from sun-up to sundown. If I slacked in anyway, he picked it up. He didn’t just come home from work and sign-off. No, he came home and would change a dirty diaper if he smelled one. He would cook dinner if he saw I had my hands full and hadn’t gotten to it. He would pick up toys if I just needed to take a load off or was dealing with kids. He would put kids in the bath so I could finish my dinner. There were nights I had to tell him “don’t do the dishes. Come relax with me. I’ll get them tomorrow.” He lived and breathed for his family day after day after day. I often thought to myself “how did I ever get so lucky that *he* wants me, desires me, comes home to me, married me and chose me? How? I’m blessed but I don’t know what I did to deserve all this.” I tried to thank him randomly, make sure he knew how much I appreciated him day in and day out. I know I didn’t do it enough but we had this understanding with each other, we both knew just how incredibly lucky we both were even if we didn’t express it in words, we both expressed it in several other ways.
I can stand here today just like I could stand here 2 weeks ago when my husband was alive, well and home with me and tell you that we had it all. We had hopes, dreams, plans and goals. We had prosperity, aspirations and so much love it would burst our hearts. We had it all figured out. We had all our ducks in a row. The *only* thing missing was our 4th child that we planned to try for in a couple of years. That’s it. I’m confident that Ben would stand here today and tell you the same thing if I were the one who took his place and it was me who were gone.
They don’t make unconditional love like we had. They just don’t. Ben loved me through thick and thin. He loved me through second guesses. He loved me through changing of my mind. He loved me through my zero patience moments. He loved me through everything and I loved him fiercely. When we were mad, we made up. When we were thankful, we expressed it. When we needed to talk, we communicated until we felt resolved and then… we fixed it. There were no secrets to our love behind closed doors. There were no skeletons that we kept from the public eye. We were authentic and real.
“They broke the mold when they made me” is what he would always tell me when I would stop him in his tracks and just say “thank you.” Thank you for doing the dishes. Thank you for changing those diapers. Thank you for being a daddy to the kids and letting me have some time out. Thank you for cooking up this dinner. Ya know, he was quite the grill master and he would grill up some steaks and burgers that you wouldn’t believe. Now who’s going to grill up our Tuesday night steaks and our Friday night burgers? I would tell him how much I appreciated him and how much I thank him for just being him. For choosing me. For giving me these three beautiful children. You know what he would say? “They broke the mold when they made me.” And that was no lie. They don’t make them like they made my Ben. There is no one that could ever come close to even halfway filling the shoes of my Ben. No one that could come even close to reaching the standard that my Ben has set. He set that bar awfully high and there isn’t a single person out there that could fill that mold because they truly did break the mold when they made my Ben.I truly do know and feel the saying “only the good die young” because my Ben was the best damned husband and daddy that anyone could ask for and he chose me. He died way too young. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. This wasn’t the chapter that was supposed to close. There was still so much life to live. So many plans to fulfill. So many dreams to come true… and now, it’s just all gone. Poof. Gone. Just like that without much of any warning. Poof. This isn’t fair, this will never be fair. My Ben was the heart of our marriage and our parenthood. He was the wise word in every situation. He was the warm embrace during every sorrowful moment. He was the smile in everything. He loved us dearly and it showed in a magnitude of ways. He could have had anyone but he chose me to live his life with and raise his babies with. He chose me.
I will forever hate those mountains. I will forever hate Wyoming. I never had a good feeling about this trip and I told him not to go. But, he loved the thrill of the hunt and he loved how close he was to his family. He loved the memories and the good times in the mountains of Montana and he wanted to relive that dream and get his “big one”… His elk. We used to bicker about that stupid elk he was going to get. “I’m getting a shoulder mount” he would say and I just laughed because “well, we would need a bigger house then!” Everyone wants to die doing what they love and my Ben surely did. His passion and heart were hunting and as much as I wanted to be there for his last breath upon this Earth, I’m glad he was doing what he loved when he went.
October 15, 2015 will forever be the last and the first day of the rest of our lives. The day our perfect family broke. The day our perfect love soared to a whole ‘nother level. The day I will always dread for the rest of my years; however many that may be. But, as much as I want to be with him, to join him and have our family be back together again, I will live on for these beautiful babies Ben and I created with our love.Ben is my best friend. He is my rock. My shelter. My shoulder. He is my soulmate. My person. He is the one I was supposed to grow old with. The one by my side for every football game, for every baseball game, for every family function. He was the one who was supposed to still be here when our babies grew up and made their own lives. Ben is and will always be the best daddy and husband anyone could ever ask for. Every day of our lives Ben lived and breathed for his family. Ben’s love shone in a magnitude of ways. I would look at him, often, with butterflies in my stomach thinking “How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve this unconditional love from this wonderful man? He desires me. He comes home to me. What did I do to become so blessed?”
Now? Now I don’t know where to go from here. We had it all figured out. Now I’m lost. I’m lost without my best friend to help guide us. I’m lost without my person. Every morning since that awful Thursday night I had woke up just hoping I finally woke up from this God-awful nightmare. Wondering “Why me? Why us? Why do my kids deserve to live without their daddy? Why do I deserve to live without my person? My best friend?”
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to be a single parent to our 3 beautiful babies. I don’t know how to go on living without the heart of our family. I’m not strong. Ben made me strong. I’m not brave. Ben made me brave.
As you all go back to your perfect, intact lives, I hope you’ll think of us. We will continue to live out this nightmare because we have no choice. We were not given a single choice in this outcome and we will feel an array of emotions in the coming weeks, months and years. Our family needs every prayer, every hug, every kind word. We don’t know how to go on without him. We shouldn’t have to, but we were not given a choice.
This is the most unbearable pain. The absolute worst. All I want is my husband back. All I want is for my children to have their daddy back. Our happy life back. That’s it. We needed him more. We did.Nothing will ease this unbearable pain. Nothing. Our hearts are shattered into a million and one pieces and it’ll never be repaired without our Ben. I have not had a single moment where I’ve not been absolutely sick to my stomach just praying this is all a dream. A sick, twisted, horrible dream.
How do you go on trusting when you prayed for completely the opposite of what you were dealt? How do you go on living? Loving? Laughing? How do you go a day without screaming and crying? We don’t know what the future holds now. I guess, in a way, we never really did… All I know is this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was not the chapter that was supposed to close.
I love you, my Ben. I appreciate each and every thing you ever did for us. I am so grateful for you, your work, your fierce love, your companionship, everything. I did not deserve your love yet you chose me to live your life with. Our time was cut much, much too short and I may never understand why. But I do know that you knew how much we love and appreciate you and we do know how much you love us and how sorry you are.
I’m going to miss every inch of your love. I’m going to miss all your annoying face licks, the way you rubbed your feet on the carpet after a long day’s work. I’m going to miss your “Hi babe! How was your day?” phone calls at 4:45pm every single Monday through Friday. I’m going to miss watching your blue car pull-up into our driveway every day at 5:15pm. I’m going to miss the way the kids screamed “MOM! DADDY’S HOME!” and watch them run around the house like maniacs, screaming until I heard your “HI BUDDY!” the moment you came through the door. I’m going to miss your kisses and the way you always hugged me so close and so tight. I’m going to miss every inch of your love. Every last tiny millimeter. Every last detail.
9.5 years of your love just wasn’t enough. I am nothing without you. My person is gone and with you went the majority of my heart.I will be forever incomplete."