The Dad You Didn't Have to Be

On this day, 5 years ago, I got up and got around for work just like any other day. I remember it was a beautiful day... Work was going smoothly and my coworkers and I were having a great day. I broke for lunch and saw I had several missed calls from my grandmother along with several voicemails saying "Brandy, you need to call me as soon as possible." in a calm but urgent voice. Racking my brain, I just couldn't figure out what could possibly be so urgent. 

Calling my grandmother back only to hear, "honey, your dad passed away..." shattered my heart. Instant tears and disbelief came across me. The dad that stepped up to the plate when my biological father wasn't around to see his biological daughter grow up. The dad who blew bubbles with me as a toddler on the stairs outside his own grandmother's home in Pennsylvania. The dad who taught me how to ride a bike outside of our home in Portland. The dad who embarrassed me with his steering wheel slapping to all the Q106 songs on the radio. The dad who drove too fast around "Dead Man's Curves" in Portland because he was "qualifying." 

The dad he didn't have to be. 

Frantically, I grabbed my things with tears streaming down my face as I tried to explain what was going on and trying to find my boss to tell him I had to leave. I will never forget that day when several of my coworkers huddled around me by the breakroom that day praying over me and my family. 

As I got into my car to head home, I called my babysitter, Traci, to tell her the news and to pickup Bentley. As I arrived, I remember the look on her face with tears in her eyes as she gave me a hug. Bentley was all strapped in his car seat, ready to go. That drive to Lansing and that call to my fiancé was indescribable. Here Ben and I were, just a month and a few days until we were to be married and I no longer had my dad to walk me down the aisle. 

Upon arrival at my mom's, my sister's were not there so I went to their school to pick them up; hiding my tears. As a very emotional 21-year-old, I shocked myself at how well I held myself together until we arrived back at my mom's where she could break the life-changing news. 

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like if you were still here... You only got 5.5 months with your first grandchild, but for nearly 4 years you have been able to watch after our sweet Baby July. Somedays I think God gave us July so you, and now Ben, would have a child in Heaven to watch over until we all meet again. I know our relationship was mostly rocky as I grew up, but I will always remember the good times and how you were the dad you didn't have to be. 

It's bittersweet to be 5 years later and think of everything that has happened since that day... 5 years ago Ben and I were planning our wedding and we were only a little over a month away... Now, 5 years later and Ben has been gone for nearly 5 months already. 

When I look back at all the loss I've endured over the years, it's certainly depressing and quite frankly, scary. But one thing is for sure, I cannot dwell on that, I must look forward and trust in the Lord's plan. 

Until next time, friends