Oh, Sweet Baby July...

I feel like a total goof for not having this up already. Like I don't love my baby enough, but that's not the truth one bit.

The truth is, life has been crazy hectic and time is passing way too fast. That's no excuse, but a silly blog post is not going to make or break my love for our baby...

2 years ago, Ben and I had a storm roll in. I miscarried our beautiful little baby. The baby we so longed for, the baby we prayed for, wanted and loved so much. It was unexpected and very painful; emotionally. 

If you would like to read Baby July's birth story, go HERE. I will warn you though, it's heart-wrenching and graphic. 

2 years later, here we are. I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been. We miss Baby July so, so much and he constantly visits me in my dreams and other little ways throughout my days; which I'm so grateful for. My only chance to hold my sweet baby for now. Baby July has taught us so much and given is much more than we ever imagined. 

Just a couple weeks ago, Baby July visited me late in the evening in Miss Bailey's crib. This block sits on my desk. It's something I look at every single day. Bailey was playing with it earlier in the day, but I know I had set it back on the desk before bed during our nightly clean-up. My breath was taken away when I saw his block laying next to Bailey. 

Though, 2 years ago, none of what life is like today ever seemed possible. We didn't understand, we didn't want to understand. Life was unfair, I was mad at God, mad at my body and mad at whatever allowed me to be mad at it. July 2012 marked a very dark summer. A summer I wish I could relive in some sense. I feel like I wasn't present, like I couldn't breathe. When I look back, all I see is a blur. I don't remember much and that saddens me... because I had a beautiful little boy who I lived for, but I wasn't really living. Pictures bring back a lot of the good memories from those very dark months, for that I am forever grateful.

Looking back, it all makes perfect sense. Now we have a beautiful Rainbow Baby to hug and hold here on Earth and we have a beautiful Angel watching over us. Now, my tears aren't as frequent when I think about Baby July. I harbor more smiles. I harbor more thank you's than unfair words. I can't explain how time heals and some may say the way I feel isn't right... I miss our baby, I will always love him with every fiber in my body. Baby July holds an empty hole in my heart that will never be full. But because of Baby July, so much was possible. Our beautiful baby girl was possible. This happiness was possible. I rest easy every night knowing our baby is looking down and watching over us. He will never experience pain, suffering, unhappiness, hunger, thirst, illness or aging. I rest easy knowing one day, I will see Baby July again. In a happy state, full of life. For now, all of Baby July's family members who have already passed on get the amazing opportunity to love on our beautiful baby. My dad gets to be with one of his grandkids... Something I have always been thankful for. 

You see, my step-dad raised me and though we had an extremely rocky daddy-daughter relationship, he still stepped up to be the dad my bio-dad couldn't be. For that I will forever be indebted. When he passed on in March 2011, when Bentley was only 6 months old, I was saddened by the thought that, not only does Bentley not get the opportunity to know his grandpa, but my dad doesn't get the opportunity to be a grandpa. 

So, knowing (hoping) that Baby July is being loved on by his grandpa makes me smile. 

Baby July sends me little reminders here and there. I always stop to smile and thank Baby July for being. 

My pictures are few... Unfortunately Baby July's life here on Earth was very short. No ultrasound was done, no heartbeat was heard, but the clearly positive pregnancy tests are a genuine reminder that our precious baby was and always will be. 

A little explanation for these tests... On June 30th I was feeling very uncertain about my pregnancy. I wasn't as worried as I felt normal. I'm a "worry when you're not worrying" type of gal and I typically worry when things are going well and don't worry when things are going bad. If that makes any sense. So, on my way to my friend's house I stopped at the Dollar Store and grabbed a couple tests. I then tested in the bathroom of a Burger King just to make my anxiety go away. 

Little did I know that it would be the last truly positive test I would see before that fateful day. 

I have a keepsake box of all things related to Baby July. If I ever begin to doubt it truly happened, I can look back.

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Baby. Until I see you again, momma.

Until next time, friends