Come What May...

I've debated on writing about this for awhile. But it's such a big part of my life now. It's something I never want to forget because forgetting would suggest it didn't happen... and it has shaped me to be who I am today. It has made possible many of the blessings I have today. To not write about would be to hide it. To be ashamed of it. To be embarrassed by it. But it did happen. It did make me cry, scream and beg for it to be changed. It did change my outlook on life. To not come forward with it would suggest that it should be hidden, locked away tight as to not upset anyone. But that's not doing my baby any justice. That suggests I don't love my baby. 

So here it is. 

The story of Baby July. 

The heartbreaking day that changed my life forever and made me who I am today. The reason why I'm more passionate than ever. The reason why my gorgeous baby girl is called my beautiful Rainbow Baby. Why she is even possible to be here right now. 

Around the time Bentley turned 9 months old I had started to feel the effects of Baby Fever. I felt ready for another baby even after 6 months of dealing with horrible Acid Reflux and a baby who was constantly crying in pain despite being on Reflux medication. Ben wasn't ready though, so after many discussions and knowing we were both on the same page about wanting another baby, we decided we would start TTC in April 2012. 

Fast-forward...

April 2012 rolls around and I finally ditch the Nuva Ring! TTC is in full swing! It took us two cycles to conceive our sweet little Baby July. I will never forget that day! It was a Wednesday. I had some pregnancy symptoms but I wasn't convinced that I should test. The month prior I went crazy with testing to only be disappointed that each test was a BFN. Then came the raging bitch, Aunt Flo. So I decided to take it easy this time around. I was 11dpo when I finally broke down to test.

I was visiting with a friend that afternoon and telling her about how I was feeling and she suggested that I just break down and test already. So as soon as I left her house, I went to the store and bought a box of FRER's along with a digital test. It was around 3p when I finally POAS and within the time frame, up popped that second pink line! I was pregnant!

(Yes. I'm one of those who sometimes say "we're" pregnant. Blah.)

Since it was a few days before Father's Day, I decided to not tell Ben yet. I wanted to surprise him. So on Friday I decided to give him his Father's Day card with a fresh digital test inside that said PREGNANT across the screen. Of course he already had a hint because of my upbeat attitude and the FRER wrapper from a couple days ago that I had forgotten to hide in the trashcan.

So we made up onesies that said Baby Sloan #2 on them and a Big Brother shirt for Bentley and planned to meet family on Sunday for Father's Day Dinner at the IL's.





We invited everyone! My grandparents, Ben's grandparents. Everyone in our immediate family was there! I was feeling pretty good, which kind of concerned me but I wasn't that sick with Bentley so I tried to not let it worry me.

We had dinner and after that we changed Bentley into his Big Brother shirt and gave out the little gift bags that adorned onesies that said Baby Sloan #2 on them!

(Ben taking pictures of me! Usually I'm the one behind the camera!)

Bentley walked out onto the porch and it only took about 30 seconds for my SIL to smack my MIL's arm and point at Bentley's shirt. Everyone hoot and hollared and seemed excited. We were on Cloud 9. I was 4w1d pregnant at the time.

((BTW. Totally off topic. But dammit... I miss my baby boy's curly hair!!))

After Bentley paraded around like the proud Big Brother he was, he and Papa took a relaxing 4-wheeler ride!

The next couple weeks went by just fine. Just extremely slow. Slower than I felt comfortable with. In the back of my mind it seemed like time was going slowly so I would enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could because it was going to end before the baby was viable. I never worried. I never stressed. Part of me had a bad feeling about that but part of me was at peace with it. I was in a weird place but decided to enjoy the fact I was pregnant after longing for it for so long. A normal pregnancy for me is adorned with worry and stress over losing the baby, having a pre-term birth and having a stillborn. I worry about not being sick, then I worry if I'm "too sick." Normal pregnancies for me are full of the unknown's but this time was different.

It was like my mind and body wouldn't let me succumb to the normal stress and worry of pregnancy because deep down I knew the baby wasn't going to make it. Normally the thought of a miscarriage brings me to tears, but this time it didn't. I just met that thought with a "if it happens, it happens. Everything happens for a reason. Come what may..."

(My only belly picture for Baby July's pregnancy)

Fourth of July was spent at my IL's house. It was a bazillion fucking degrees outside and we were not lucky enough to have air conditioning. I was FED UP with the heat so I begged Ben to take us somewhere that we could cool off for the day and enjoy it. So we got snacks and lots of water and hit the road for the lake. That's when MIL called asking for us to come over for dinner. I welcomed the idea like a kid welcomes a birthday party. The AC would be heavenly and like always, MIL's cooking would be delish!

We hung out in the "cool tub" (a hot tub made into a summer friendly tub) after eating a nice dinner and relaxed. The day was perfect. I had a full belly, I was cool and not irrationally upset for the first time this summer. It was perfect.

Then... we had to go home. Back out into the inferno called Michigan we went. Insta-sweat dripped down my brow and into places no one should ever feel sweat drip into. Places I didn't even know existed. Once we got home and put Bentley down to bed for the night with a million fans blowing on him, Ben and I took a cool bath to help us cool back down.

After the bath, which only helped for a millisecond, we went upstairs to attempt some sleep. But it didn't work. I tossed and turned, turned and tossed. I cried. I begged for Ben to plug in the horse trailer so we could sleep in the AC for the night. After his millionth "I'll do it tomorrow" I flipped a nut and stormed downstairs. Ugly crying, I filled the bath tub with cold water and decided if I couldn't sleep upstairs and be comfortable, I would sleep in the bathtub. I needed relief. I was almost 7 weeks pregnant which sounds totally irrational, but dammit, I needed some relief.

That's when Ben finally plugged in the horse trailer and we all slept beautifully. I cuddled up to my husband and baby boy and we slept.

Just before we all fell asleep, Bentley gave the most beautiful and cherished chuckle I've ever heard. I smiled, pulled him close and closed my eyes. This chuckle is something that will always stick out in my mind and heart. Looking back, I believe Bentley chuckled as our Baby July played with him in his dreams and flew off to heaven.

The next morning started out (almost) as usual. We were in the horse trailer after all, but I woke up with this weird calm and peaceful feeling. Bentley and I walked to the barn to check the horses and their water and then proceeded to the house for some breakfast.

That's when my life was turned upside down in a way I was never prepared for.

I sat Bentley down at the table with his breakfast. I don't remember what, probably cereal. The day is a blur to me now. It was a blur when it was happening. The day moved so quickly.

I remember it was about 9 on a Thursday morning. I needed to use the bathroom, so I sat Bentley down for his breakfast and went to the bathroom. That's when I noticed it. Bright red blood. At first I thought, hhmm must be my period. But then reality quickly smacked me right across the face and reminded me that I was pregnant. Red blood + pregnancy is not usually a good thing. Especially this early along.

I freaked. I screamed like there was a murderer. I begged for this to all be a dream. I... I was numb. I was shocked.

I wiped again, thinking I must be seeing things. More bright red blood. I cried. Ugly cried. Wiped again. That's when I realized what was happening. Something I never thought would happen.

I called Ben at work sobbing "I'm losing the baby. I'm bleeding. I'm losing the baby. I'm so, so sorry. I'm losing your baby. I'm so sorry" I sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn't stop.

I cleaned up the best I could. It was like a murder scene. Blood and clots everywhere. It was not pretty, but miscarriage is never pretty.

I continued to beg God to change this. To make it all a dream. I begged and prayed until my throat burned and my eyes crusted over in tears.

I went back to the bathroom, praying it was all in my head. I wiped, more blood. I burst out into uncontrollable crying again and fell to the floor. I don't remember calling my grandma, but I must have at this point because I hung up the phone and just sobbed.

One last attempt at hoping and praying this was all a dream led me to the bathroom once again to wipe and not surprisingly, find bright red blood again. I cried even harder since the reality of what was going on finally hit me like a bullet train late for pick-up.

That's when my MIL arrived and soon after my grandma and Ben. My MIL took Bentley while me, Ben and my grandma loaded up into the truck to head to the hospital.

Once at the hospital I felt like an idiot being asked all kinds of stupid questions like "why are you here?" umm... if the bright red blood dripping from my legs wasn't enough indication... "I'm bleeding..." which was met with "Well, aren't you a woman who has a monthly period?" Can you say JACKASS enough?! "Um, yes asshole. I'm a woman. Who has periods. But I just happen to be pregnant... so this bleeding is not normal. But thanks for being a Grade A Jerk."

I was eventually led down the hall, given a gown and directed to change. I did. In between the tears and hopes that this was all a dream and that I would eventually wake up, still pregnant.

I was finally checked by the ER doctor. Dr. Shank. I'll never forget that name. I chuckle at it. But found the irony too much at the time.

He did a vaginal exam and after poking, prodding and leaving me hung open like a wet whore waiting on an instrument, he finally come to the conclusion that I was... dun, dun, dun... bleeding. That indicated a possible miscarriage. Dude, I could have told you that without poking and prodding my vagina like a moldy steak that you're trying to salvage.

So I was wheeled down to the ultrasound room. My bladder was filled artificially with a catheter and, what would you know. I was too early along to see anything with an abdominal ultrasound. Dumbasses. I could have told you that. Shit, I guess I should have done their jobs... I could have done them better.

So, bring in the transducer for a vaginal ultrasound. Still, she couldn't see anything. I was disheartened. I was hoping to see something. A sac. A baby. Anything other than an "empty uterus."

After being wheeled back to my ER room and waiting half a decade for the doctor, I was told I most likely miscarried the baby already and what was happening was my body finishing up expelling what was left. But... when he walked in he said he had "bad news" and "worse news." The bad news was my numbers were low, indicating a miscarriage but that my numbers also showed I was in kidney failure.

This is when all hell broke loose. I bawled. Actually I think I remember screaming and then looking at Ben and my grandma in disbelief. "I don't want to die" was all I could muster out in-between the tears. Ben came over, with tear soaked eyes and hugged me the hardest he has ever hugged me. Ever. My grandma cried. She rarely cries.

I called a good friend of mine and cried. Gosh, how did my body ever produce enough fluids for my eyes to cry so many tears in one day?

At this point I was so numb and exhausted. Still in my PJ's from the night before. Unshowered. Teeth unbrushed. I was just numb. I was no longer "there." Some people came in and started an IV in hopes to "wake up" my kidneys. Then I waited for the admitting doctor to get me a room and admit me.

Once wheeled to a room, I asked to shower. The shower is my release. I can cry without judgement. I can scream without worry. So I showered. I cried. I yelled. I, once again, begged that this would all be a dream. It wasn't.

Once I was satisfied with my release, I got back into bed to settle down for the night. Who knew how long I would be there. Ben and my grandma left to go get an AC window unit for our bedroom and Ben was going to bring my sweet little boy back up to spend the night with us.

About an hour after they left, the nurse came back in and said she had some news... The lab screwed up the blood work and it turns out my kidney numbers were always normal. I was not in kidney failure. I was fine. This was a huge sigh of relief, but I was very upset as well.

That day is a day I will never forget. It will forever be etched in my mind and I will never forget my Sweet Baby July.

About 18 months later and I can write this without ugly crying. I still cry but I'm finally at peace. I think about my Baby July everyday. I have a block right next to Bentley's picture that I look at everyday. I'm reminded what I went through every time I look at my sweet Rainbow Baby, Bailey. The pain is still there, but it's softened by time.

I keep a memory box of all my pregnancy tests, all the onesies and shirts we made to announce our sweet Baby July and keep all my hospital bands. I've also kept all the wonderful keepsakes that friends have been so generous to give in remembrance of our beloved baby. I'll forever be grateful.

Baby July
Due February 23, 2013
Became an Angel July 5, 2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's name, and whispered as she closed the book, Too Beautiful for Earth."

Until next time, friends