Be Wild and Free

You wouldn't think something as simple as opening your husband's gun safe and organizing it. Or opening a dresser drawer to see all his perfectly folded and untouched clothing. Or just standing in the woodshed while filling the woodstove for the second time of the day surrounded by all the wood your husband cut and split with his own two hands.  You wouldn't think that something as materialistic as your vehicles being driven away by the repo company. Or drywalling and painting your living room. Or installing a dishwasher. Or the purchase of your own new-to-you vehicle. Or the lawn mower just sitting there. Or the unfinished go-cart.  You are not prepared for all the simple things like the frustration that you cannot find the drill battery charger because, while your husband's garage is impeccably organized, you cannot find a single thing when you're looking for it... And, you don't have your husband there to tell you where it is anymore.  ...

So, many of my friends have suggested I revive this blog... Truth is, I didn't exactly know how to get started after such a long hiatus, so I guess I'm just going to jump in. Maybe as time goes on I'll "backdate" posts from FB and post them here, but for now I'm just going to go forward with the blog. Here we are. It's been four months since that life-changing, heart-shattering, world crushing day. October 15, 2015 will forever have a bittersweet ring to it. A day where my husband was both alive and dead in the same day. The day those Wyoming Mountains took my everything away from me and our children. Where such a beautiful place holds such a dark secret. A beautiful place that holds such a power to forever change the lives of a wife and 3 young children. Every month in the days leading up to the 15th, I relive the events of those days. The 9th, the day I kissed, held, hugged, looked into those beautiful blue eyes, held those hands that I ...

When do you know it's time? When do you know you're satisfied when you know it's your last time experiencing this moment? When do you tell yourself that you have to stop? When do you know you're ready to say 'see you later?'  You don't. At least that's the conclusion I've come to. You just don't know, you just do it. Because not doing it is just delaying the inevitable. So you savor every single milisecond of that moment. You soak it all into every fiber of your being. You put a permanent hold on that smell, that feel, that sound so you'll never, ever forget it. Never have I ever had a ride so full of tears. So flooded with emotions and memories. Never have I ever watched the last 26 years flash before my eyes while the wind blew through my hair and the warmth of my gelding radiated around me. Never has one moment been so full of love, memories, smiles, laughter, sadness. Never has my face been so drenched in tears but my heart full ...

I've deleted this post to start over several times now... I just don't know where to begin. I've neglected my blog for a very long time and I'm resolving to change that. I've had a lot on my mind and I know writing it out will help me further process everything and find 100% clarity. Sometimes we find ourselves at a fork in the road. You can go to the left which leads you down a scary path you're not quite sure you're ready to endure... To the right, it's full of familiarity, safety, no pain or heartache... But, if you go down that path, you're also "stuck" in your present and not able to focus on your dreams for the future. Folks. I'm there. Actually, I've been here, stuck at this fork in the road, for over two years. How do you admit to yourself that your passion for something is dying? You love it. You care for it. You enjoy it... but your intense passion is dying. How do you admit it? How do you face it? How do you put yo...