Be Wild and Free

Here we are, another April. What used to be my absolute favorite month of the entire year has now become a month of dread. So many anniversaries, a birthday, so many memories of good times passed and so many hopes for the future that are now gone.  April used to mark a new year of "us" and make us reminisce on the last year that had passed. April also meant another year of being together (April 8th; 10 years), another year since I said "yes" (April 10th; 6 years) and another year of blissful marriage (April 16th; 5 years). Last April began the life earthside for our sweet Baby Buck (April 30th) and this April marks 6 entire months (April 15th) since my beautiful husband took his last earthly breath and took his first heavenly breath.  It's hard for me to put this in writing. Most of the time the words just flow from my head, down my arms and straight out of my fingertips with very little effort. But tonight? I'm just at a loss f...

I hear it is World Doula Week so of course I am going to take a moment and brag on my Doula!  Jenni was absolutely a God-send for Barrett's pregnancy and birth journey! After several frustrating OBGYN visits she never faltered in telling me "it's never too late to make your homebirth dreams come true!" and at 30 weeks, that's just what we did!  During my 22 hour labor, she helped me in so many ways. Talking over the phone during contractions, encouraging me over text and then my first birth team member to arrive when I said "I need you now, contractions are 3-5 minutes apart... Not 10 minutes like I thought!"  With essential oils providing calming aroma's, peaceful music to fill the air, a gentle touch to help distract through the intense contractions and a relaxed voice to encourage me. Jenni provided that much-needed atmosphere to keep adrenaline at bay and keep the peace heightened. Even through a hose mishap i...

Just at a loss for words tonight. 5 months after my beautiful husband passed away, my grandpa was called home.  Tonight; tonight the emotions run high as I sit here replaying the emotions and my reaction after learning of my husband's demise because he can't be here to comfort me in this time of sadness.  My grandpa was my rock growing up. The one who instilled the love and confidence of horses in me. The one who let me "buy" my first horse by giving my grandma a dollar, asking me if I wanted Flame to be mine and instructing me to give the dollar to my grandma. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday...  Grandpa was the one who schooled me on the hay we fed, grain we fed, saddle parts, horse parts, you name it; he was the walking quiz giver.  Grandpa taught me chin up, heels down and smile. "Act like you're having fun, Bird Legs. Riding horses is supposed to be a pleasure." All those nights spent f...

As I look at the calendar and the 15th is showing, another month has gone by without you. I realize how much I've regressed into disbelief over the last couple of weeks.  Sitting outside, here on the swing as we always loved to do, visions of you walking down the drive to get the mail, or your "Hi Buddy!" greeting when you walked through the door, or your "Good job, Sissy!" whenever Bailey did something cool at some point in the day and I finally got to tell you about it when you arrived home for the day after work; those visions go cascading through my mind. Missing you feels like drowning. It hurts physically, not just emotionally. The realization that time is going by just as fast with you gone, if not faster, as it did with you here.  I know I speak for a few when I say there is a love-hate relationship with time flying. The hate part is I'm getting farther and farther away from the last time I saw your face, kissed t...

On this day, 5 years ago, I got up and got around for work just like any other day. I remember it was a beautiful day... Work was going smoothly and my coworkers and I were having a great day. I broke for lunch and saw I had several missed calls from my grandmother along with several voicemails saying "Brandy, you need to call me as soon as possible." in a calm but urgent voice. Racking my brain, I just couldn't figure out what could possibly be so urgent.  Calling my grandmother back only to hear, "honey, your dad passed away..." shattered my heart. Instant tears and disbelief came across me. The dad that stepped up to the plate when my biological father wasn't around to see his biological daughter grow up. The dad who blew bubbles with me as a toddler on the stairs outside his own grandmother's home in Pennsylvania. The dad who taught me how to ride a bike outside of our home in Portland. The dad who embarrassed me with his steering wheel sla...